I’ve been thinking a lot about men, and sex, and relationships over the past few months, for a variety of reasons. One because I have a number of female friends – very smart and accomplished women – who really seem to not have a clue about men AT ALL, who have said stuff about men and relationships that has left me completely confounded and confused.

And rather than give them advice, I’ve learned to say nothing and let my friends go through their drama and experience the good, bad and ugly on their own, like I had to.

This, in turn, has gotten me to thinking….I’ve realized is that a lot of the most helpful and useful stuff that I learned about men came from men themselves and my direct experiences with them. No big surprise there.　But the funny thing is, a lot of what I learned about men directly contradicts everything I learned, first from my mother and older female relatives, and my female friends. And I’ve realized that a lot of my female friends are in the same boat, but the difference is, a lot of them just aren’t interested in hearing the unadulterated truth from guys. It’s almost like women are saying that what guys think about all things guys doesn’t matter. And that’s pretty effed up if you ask me.

Wow. Talk about the blind leading the blind. No wonder things are all messed up and why men are increasingly going ghost, you know, going off and playing video games down in the basement, or surfing for Internet porn and waiting for the day when sexbots are sold at Wal-Mart.

So I’ve decided to devote a few blog posts to the task of demystifying men, based on everything I’ve seen and heard and experienced directly from men themselves. I present, in no particular order, the things I’ve learned from men, from being with men, about men, and most of this stuff is what my Mama either forgot to tell me, never bothered to tell me when I was younger, or taught me that directly contradicted what men are really like.

I had to learn the hard way, of course. Thanks, Mama for leaving me in the dark all these years. Luckily I had the common sense to get a flashlight after bumping into shit in the dark. My shins took a real bad beating.

Here we go……

Lots and lots of sex. I’m talking like 2-5 or 10 or 20 times a day. Any kind of sex they can get. If that offends you, then, I don’t know what to tell you. And from what I hear, if you don’t oblige them, there are women who will oblige them. See #5 and #8. They tell me that access to these women is either one text message, phone call, tweet, Facebook message or telegram away. Some of these women even respond to messages by pigeon carrier. Some of these women are mind readers and somehow know that men want them even before the men themselves know. Fancy that.

All the time. Sometimes even when they’re sleep or thinking about other things, like work, or breathing, or eating. It’s the only time they can think about other things, is when they’re thinking about sex. They will find a way to talk about sex when the conversation has nothing whatsoever to do with sex.

Men like us dressed, undressed, tied up, bound, in various states of just being, aroused, breathing, oily, wet, it doesn’t matter. So don’t get offended if your man looks at other women, even after having a great night of sex with you. Or if he looks at porn. He can’t help himself. Now the thing I learned from men is that men will look at the type of porn that turns them on (duh) and that type of porn should be a graphic representation of the woman they are with. Now if you find that he likes and collects Asian midget porn and you’re NOT midget and you‘re NOT Asian, then you have a problem. Maybe it’s time to have a sit-down with him and let him tell you that he’s really not into you. Perhaps he’s into Asian midgets and his family has a problem with it. Don’t judge him.

4. Despite wanting to experience women with their senses, men do not like listening to women talk (if it has nothing to do with sex).

Something about our voices in non-sex mode make them think that we’re nagging all the time, even when we’re not. To get around this, they fantasize about putting something in our mouths to shut us up and keep us occupied. If I have to explain further what I mean, then you have been hiding under a rock on another planet in another dimension, way too long. If you do know what I mean, and you don’t like it, well, I don’t know what to tell you. Refer to #1 if you don’t like it.

When they tell you they like coming home to you wearing nothing but your high heels and an apron, they mean it. They don’t like women who are supposed to be their one and only making excuses about sex and not giving them sex. See # 1 and #4. Also, a man does not like a woman who is available to everyone else but him. Something about the idea of a chaste woman or something like that turns them on. I know, it doesn’t make sense, and it sounds backwards, but that’s how men are wired. If you don’t like it, well, I don’t know what to tell you.

Especially pretty women with pretty faces and beautiful smiles. Men enjoy kissing women with beautiful faces and pretty smiles. They will do whatever it takes to have the attention of a pretty woman with a pretty face. If you have a pretty face, then you know what I mean. If you have a pretty face but scowl and sneer all the time, men are gonna ask you why you’re not smiling. Why? Because they’re trying to visualize your love faces, and don’t want their fantasy marred by a funky scowl. So stop sneering and scowling for God’s sake. If not for them, do it for the rest of us. If you don’t have a comely face, well, hopefully you can relate to #7. If you don’t fit either, well, I don’t know what to tell you.

Women’s body parts make men want to have sex. And what I’ve learned is that what’s hot to one man may not appeal to another. However, most men find a small waist sexy. White guys like small everything, and many men of color love a small waist and a big ol ass. Some guys like big boobs. Some guys like all that with pretty feet and hands. Some men like big legs. So if you’re not sure, it’s best to ask, or look through his porn stash. Also, refer to #1 and #2 and #3.

But if he doesn’t kiss or look at you during sex, understand that maybe he doesn’t think your face is too cute to look at. If he’s always saying lemme get it from the back, chances are, he doesn’t think you have a cute face. Don’t take it personal. But don’t expect him to wife you, either just because you have a hot body and he likes to have sex with you. Think of yourself as a jump-off and be comfortable with that. If you don’t like what I’m saying, then take that up with the 3am booty call guy. Ask him. Just don‘t ask him after he hits it. He may tell you anything just to get you to shut up.

9. If a man can get a woman with a pretty face and a hot body, then he will think of himself as King of the World.

And so will his friends. And if he could make a tradeoff, he will take the pretty face over a hot hot body, because somehow men know that hot bodies only have a certain shelf life and that a pretty face, a truly pretty face, will last for a long time. Nothing about an ugly face makes a man want to settle down with the owner of said ugly face. So chances are, if you haven’t settled down with a guy, ever, and I mean this seriously….take a long, honest look in the mirror and think about what he sees when he looks at you. What you see and learn may surprise you.So, if you’re a woman with a hot body and a not so pretty face, you need to work on other skills, like cooking, cleaning, being a good listener, etc. And refer to #4. Oh. And even if you are a woman with a hot body and pretty face, you should be working on other skills, like cooking, cleaning, being a good listener, getting along with his relatives, etc.

Being a hot woman with a bitchy attitude can only take you so far.

Please refer to #4 if you find yourself going on and on about where you went to school and the fact that you have 8 master’s degrees and 2 doctorates and you make $200 million dollars after taxes. He doesn’t care about it, nor does he want to hear you yapping about it all the time. He’s even sensitive to the mere inference.Now he wants a woman who is well-read, can carry on a conversation about a host of issues, and laugh at his jokes. But what he doesn’t want is a woman who he perceives is competing with him for top dawg designation. From what I understand, he wants to feel like he’s the top dawg. If you don’t like this, I don’t know what to tell you.

So I can go on and on with this list, and maybe I’ll do a follow-up installment at some point in the near future about other things I’ve learned about men that my Mama forgot or didn’t care to tell me.

But I will leave you with this, ladies. Men are men, and they aren’t gonna change for us anytime soon, so it doesn’t help to bitch, moan, complain and gripe about the way men are. I’ve listened to a lot of complaints from women about men over the years, and I know I’ve engaged in some pretty intense bitchfests of my own. But no matter how much we bitch and moan, men are not gonna change. And there’s nothing you or I can do about it, except roll with it.

So, I’ve learned, as a woman, that it’s important to stay in my lane. I know that I have certain things going for me that I can play up for men, and there are certain not so good things about myself that I try to downplay so that the special man in my life won‘t see those not so good things as deal breakers. I don’t hate on men because of these things, I just accept them. It make life so much easier that way.

And ladies….the more time you spend bitching about how much you don’t need a man tells me and everyone else in the known universe that you really do want a man, deep down inside. I see it, and so do guys. So stop doing it.

That is all.

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