Tag Archives: humor

Photo of the Day: He Rode By.

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I thought I’d post this as an ode to spring that is taking her sweet time making a grand appearance.  Happy Friday, and don’t forget to play a friendly prank on someone in honor of April Fool’s Day today!

The Way I See It Today: Valentine’s Day Pain Is Not Complete Without a Voodoo Doll.

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Today, I decided to break my “do not post on my blog on the weekend” rule.  I wanted to make an exception to my rule because as you all know, today is the day before Valentine’s Day and everywhere we go, we’re all reminded of this in one way, shape, form or fashion. 

The reality is, some of us may get lucky tomorrow, while others among us, may not.  Some of us may have already gotten lucky this weekend. Frankly, I don’t care to know.

At any rate, since I am your friendly thick chick with the click click (Hi Mark), I love pictures, especially those that have something unusual and offbeat to say.  And in the spirit of the true meaning of Valentine’s Day (yes, Valentine’s Day wasn’t a day for chocolate and romance, people), I came across, and wanted to share, this little piece of visual humor.

The above masterpiece is courtesy of a website I came across called PostSecret. 

This, my friends, is what happens to broken hearts once they realize that there will be no romantic Hallmark cards, no chocolates, no roses, no teddy bears, no bling, no lingerie, no hotsexonaplatter or no happy endings involving hot oil and satin sheets with a hot girl or hot guy.  

This is the place where folks go when they realize that there is no chance in hell that they will be boo’ed up today, tomorrow or anytime soon.  It’s a dark place, illuminated by brutal and sadistic visions of pain, revenge and utter destruction.

Let’s review:

  1. Former Congressman Christopher Lee:  He probably feels a little bit pissed off right about now and is wondering where he might be able to get himself a custom-made doll.  Damn Craigslist.  His wife may need one of these as well.  Perhaps she’s already put in her order.
  2. Mary Harvey, the second (and hopefully the last) ex-wife of Steve Harvey, is probably is feeling like sticking a few pins in a Steve Harvey doll of her own.  Damn YouTube and damn that gag order.
  3. And let’s not forget Halle Berry.  Now I’m sure she has a few of these (remember David Justice? Wesley Snipes) and some sharp tacks hidden away in her dresser or chest of drawers.  Her latest relationship disaster resulted in her not only getting passed over by Kim Kardashian, but now she’s embroiled in a bitter custody battle for her daughter.  She may need to add a new voodoo doll to her collection.

At any rate, Happy Valentine’s Day! 

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The Way I See It Today: My Bucket(Head) List.

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Cover of "The Bucket List"

Cover of The Bucket List

Good afternoon my friends,

I know you all are tired of hearing all of the gloom and doom on the news. I know I am.  Sometimes you just want to have a good laugh and relax.  As the world falls apart around us, poking fun at ourselves, our frailties as human beings, our faults and our missteps, is, to me, the best way to put all of this craziness into perspective .  So I decided to write a post that does just that.

As I ventured out today into the snowy, icy tundra that is northwest Philadelphia, I got to thinking:  Why am I out here again?  I’m risking life and limb to check my mail? That’s gotta be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done.

And then this thought led to another, more profound question:  What has got to be the dumbest thing I’ve ever done? (No, not that.)  The other dumb stuff I’ve done in life?  Stuff I’ve done that was so stupid that I wouldn’t even tell my best friend about it?  And what if I compiled all of these dumb and stupid things that I’ve done into a Bucket(Head) List?  This would be a twist on the premise of the movie, The Bucket List, where Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson are terminally ill and decide to do all these fabulous things and go to all these awesome places before they die.  {DISCLAIMER:  No, I’m not terminally ill, and no, I’m not on my deathbed, and no, I don’t want to go to Disneyland.} 

So as I was walking (read slipping and sliding) down the street to the Post Office, I began itemizing (inside joke) and prioritizing my list, in a way only a true Virgo could.  So now that I’m back home, I am proud to debut, to you, my loyal readers, my Bucket(Head) list.  Folks, I did a google search, and I’m here to tell ya….you’re not gonna find a Bucket(Head) List anywhere else.  You are gonna see tons of Bucket Lists.  Why?  Because everyone likes to show off and one-up everyone else. 

See, I’m not all about trying to impress people. I don’t need to tell you where I’ve been and what I own.  People who do that are very insecure and spend too much time trying to cover up their insecurities by showing how great they are.  Me?  I have no problem telling you how screwed up I am. Why?  Because I hope that someone out there can learn from my mistakes and have a good laugh at my expense.  No matter what anyone thinks about me, I may fall down, but you damn sure better believe this:  If I fall down, I’m gonna pick myself, dust myself off and keep on going.  And you better believe I won’t keep making the same dumb mistakes because I’m too afraid to say to myself that I effed up. 

At any rate, I hope, for a brief moment, it’ll take your minds off of what’s going on in Egypt, Tunisia, Jordan, the economy, the Dems vs. the GOP vs. Obama vs. the Tea Party, and Snowtorious B.I.G. (thanks Cliff) that’s barreling down on the Rockies, the Midwest and the East Coast.  They say that over 100 million people will be affected by this storm.  Do you realize that’s like 1 out of 3 Americans (and counting)?  Know your facts and make sure you’re protected (oops, this isn’t an STD PSA.  My bad).

Okay here goes my Bucket(Head) List:

1.  Opening a can of soup and realizing that it needs milk and all you have is water. Why didn’t I see this WHEN I WAS AT THE STORE AND COULD HAVE GOTTEN MILK???  Dumb.  Anyway, I fixed the soup, added water, and didn’t notice anything less spectacular about it.  So maybe this wasn’t so dumb after all.  *shrugs*  Besides.  I’m lactose intolerant anyway.

2. Walking gingerly in the snow to avoid slipping on the ice, and stepping right in some dog poo.  ARGH!!! Eff it, I’m gonna just walk like I’m taking no prisoners next time. Might as well, because chances are not only will I step in a steaming pile of poo, I’ll slip and fall on the ice.  That’s killing two birds with one stone, and my friends, that’s efficiency at its best.

3.  The bleached blond loc phase.  That was dumb. Very dumb.  It pains me to look at pictures of myself during that dark era of my life.  And no, I won’t post any, so don’t ask.

4.  St. Louis.  Another dumb move.  Seven years of my life I’ll never get back.  Coincides with #3.

5.  Undergraduate classes/coursework.  Again.  4 years of my life I’ll never get back.  I don’t use any of that crap I learned, and I’m still trying to pay on my student loans.   And then they got the nerve to call and email for donations?  GTFOH. 

They need to find a way to let people skip college and go straight to grad school.  Hell, if a high school basketball player or football player can get drafted straight into the pros, then why can’t I?  What’s the point of spending four of my best years in college when all I did was is drink, eat greasy food, go to lame parties, skip class to watch bad tv and play cards til 4 in the morning?

6.  Relaxed hair.  I’m not knocking all my black and brown sistafriends who do the chemical straightening thing, but I know my limitations, and I should have stopped doing that ish in 1988.  I’m still trying to recover from all that frying and dying of my precious locks (see #3). Besides, have you ever stopped to think about what we may be absorbing into our brains via constant use of those chemicals??  Brain damage, anyone?  Maybe we’re not crazy because we’re black, but we’re crazy because we’re poisoning our brains and altering our brain chemistry.

7.  Credit cards are the devil. No further explanation necessary.  Most of the stuff I bought on credit, I don’t even own anymore.  What’s the point?

8.  Quitting my job later rather than sooner.    I was talking to someone earlier today and the person pointed out that a lot of my respiratory problems (coughing, hacking, upper respiratory infections, wheezing, and all out behaving like Steve Urkel) I was experiencing while working in the Bronx went away after I left my job.  Go figure! 

So basically, all I was doing in sticking it out was aiding and abetting my own death. Isn’t that like suicide?? Dumb!!  The takeaway for me was this:  No job is worth losing your health, family, friends, sanity or peace of mind.  If you value your job more than those things, then you, my friend, are losing.

9.  Pretending to be friends with people I don’t even like. How many years have I lost behind that?  Too many to count here. 

10.  And last, but certainly not least:  Not being there for my family in their time of need.  See number 8:  Wash, rinse, repeat.

So, here’s the question of the day:  If you could write your own Bucket(Head) List, what would be your Number One item and why? 

Photo of the Day: Woman on a Mission.

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Congratulations!  We made it to the last day of what has turned out to be a pretty eventful January.  2011 has gotten off to a pretty interesting start wouldn’t you agree?  I know it has for me. 

At any rate, I hope you all have found this month to be a productive and positive one.  I have a confession to make:  I haven’t been all that pleased with my work output lately. I know it’s cold outside, and it’s the dead of winter and we’ve got like 10,000 feet of snow, but there’s only so many snowy landscapes a person like me wants to take.

So when I went out today to check my PO Box and pick up some items from the supermarket, I took my camera, as I always do.  Upon leaving the post office, I pulled it out, and headed up the street.  As I was walking along, a woman was quickly coming up behind me, and she looked to be pulling something, like a rolling cart or luggage of some kind.  She caught up to me, and in a fit of annoyance, picked up her cart and pushed ahead of me as if to say, hey you, you’re walking too slow, I got places to go. 

Well you know what?  Perhaps I was.  I have a bum ankle, and frankly, I’m learning in all of my pain, to take things much slower.  The grocery store will be there, and I’m not rushing for anyone anymore. 

However, I realized, at that moment, here’s your chance! Before she could speed off, I took a photo:

Bye! 

What’s funny about this situation is that once I got home, I realized that the autofocus toggle switch on my lens had been switched to manual.  As it turned out, this was the only image out of the handful I took today that turned out to be of any use.  Lucky me.

Hoping February turns out to be a lot better than January. Maybe not, since it seems that we’re gonna get hit with more snow this week.

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OOPS! I Broke My Camera. Now What?

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I came across a post entitled “What To Do When You Break Your Camera” (you can access the link to the original post below) this morning as I was perusing my Twitter feed and thought, Who breaks their camera?  Does that actually happen? 

As we all know, accidents happen. I have to admit, I am a bit of a klutz. I am known for tripping over air, and stumbling over nothing.  I just can’t help myself.  Fortunately, though, all my mishaps did not involve my camera. I maybe be clumsy, but I’m not dumb.  I try not to walk and take pictures at the same time.  I know my limitations.  

Also, I think my camera comes with a no-accident force field that is automatically activated when I pick it up to use it. 

Besides, no one actually plunks down a grand or two or ten or more for their precious camera equipment with the goal of breaking said equipment and rendering it absolutely useless.

Right?  Apparently not.

According to post author, photographer and self-described world traveler  Peter West Carey, photogs leave their equipment on moving vehicles, drop them from cliffs and all kinds of other interesting scenarios that I just don’t find myself in.  But then again, I’m not a world traveler. Yet.  I’m just a lowly hobbyist with a dream.

Despite this, Carey and all of the good folks at Digital Photography School share some really good tips on what we should do if by chance, our cameras get run over by an MTA or SEPTA bus, trampled by elephants or knocked into the toilet (I mean, what were you thinking anyway by bringing your DSLR into the bathroom?  That’s what camera phones are for, silly).

Carey walks the reader through what amounts to a protocol in the event your camera ends up in 20 shattered pieces on the ground.  I don’t know if I would remember every single step, but that’s just me.  Besides having a panic attack the size of Texas and maybe suffering a blackout of major proportions, I don’t think I’d be able to recall each and every step because I have horrible powers of recollection.

Anyway.  So what are the main takeaways from this post?  For me, I would start with the most important:  Protect your investment so you don’t end up in this kind of predicament in the first place! 

Keep your eye on your equipment and don’t haphazardly leave your cameras lying around like a set of keys and a pack of bubble gum.  Don’t put your equipment in situations that might lead to accidents.  Don’t bring your DSLR into the bathroom under any circumstances.  And invest in a good no-accident force field. 

:-)

Question:  Camera owners, have you ever broken your camera equipment?  If so, how did it happen? Were you able to recover your images?  Did you end up having to purchase a new camera?  What advice would you give other camera owners that wasn’t covered in the DPS post?

Speak your piece.

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The Way I See It Today: Do What You Can. Let It Go. And Keep It Moving.

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Hello everyone, and thanks for reading my first “The Way I See It Today” post of 2011.

I just want to warn you.  This post is gonna be a tad bit harsh. Why do I say this?  Well, the past two years, for me, have been about tentative beginnings, false starts and painful endings.  Not for other people, but for me.  See, life kinda caught up with me.  I was so busy caring about other people’s problems, that mine kinda snuck up on me and drop kicked me in the teeth.

What have I learned?  That no one really cares about your problems unless you are somehow sacrificing yours for theirs.  That no one really cares if you live or die.

So I’ve adopted a new attitude for 2011.   I can only do what I can, and then when there’s nothing left for me to do, let it go (note:  I borrowed this line from a blog post I read last night….the light bulb went off in my head immediately!), and keep it moving.

Lemme explain why this can be problematic, especially if you’re attempting to have meaningful relationships with other people.

Sometimes people expect you to do way more for them than they really deserve.  They expect you to smile when you don’t want to, be pleasant when you don’t feel like it, laugh at their stupid jokes when they’re not really funny, listen to their problems over and over when you know and they know that they have no interest in solving them, and kiss their asses because everyone else has in the past and they think that you should, too.

Other times, people expect you to care more about their crap than they even do.  You’re supposed to stop what you’re doing and be constantly available to them.  You’re supposed to take them back and forgive them even when they break their promises and fail to keep their word.

Well, that ended on December 31, 2010 at 11:59 p.m.

Yep, folks, 2011 is a new year, and I have a new attitude.  I realize that I am taking a huge risk in saying this, but I’m going to say it anyway.

I don’t give a F*CK.

News flash:  I can’t be at my best all the time…I’m only human.  I have flaws.  I have moods.  I get scared.  I have doubts.  Not just about me, but about you and your place in my life.  And I’m not going to lie.  It feels good to be actually doing something about it after all these years.  Because I have to admit..I was a coward when it came to standing up for myself.

NOT ANYMORE…..

I’m pleased to report that my new attitude has had an immediate, measurable effect on my social life.

For instance, I was told to get lost yesterday.  So that’s what I’m going to do. 

A few weeks ago I was told by someone else pretty much the same thing. That’s what I did.

As far as I’m concerned, these people are dead to me. You know who you are.  You’re DEAD to me…..two less people I will have to concern myself with in the coming year. A lot less dead weight. Good.

And guess what?  I’m gonna be alrite.  And so will you….when you pull your head out your ass.

I am also pleased to report that there will be more where that came from.  I can’t wait!

It feels great to let go!

P.S.  I have a short attention span in 2011.  Don’t expect me to remember or care about every single detail of your miserable lives, either.  I’m getting too old and my short-term memory doesn’t work that well anymore.

By the way, I love the tags that are being generated for this post.  Good clean fun!

The Way I See It: Inner Circle Violators WILL Be Prosecuted

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I love my friends and family, and once I’ve let you inside my inner circle, I consider you to be pretty special.

Those of you who know me know that when I’m wrong, I’ll apologize and do whatever it takes to try to smooth a situation over with you, because I see our relationship as being that important to me.

But I’m also known for severing ties with people I care about completely, with no advance warning or explanation.  It may seem sudden to the person being downsized, but I will admit that prior to coming to my decision to delist or defriend you, I’ve watched your behavior for months, maybe years, and have reached a point of no return.  I’ve become so disgusted, so disillusioned, so damn tired of you and what you represent I just can’t take it , or you, anymore. 

Don’t take it personal.  Why?  Because the way I see it, you didn’t take it personal when you thought you could be disrespectful, unreasonable and completely assholish in your mannerisms, speech and general presentation. 

Payback is a bitch.  And I have no problem unloading risky liabilities.  Apparently, some people see it as a one-way street though. They think that can dump heaps of burning coals on your head, out of some distorted sense of self-importance and twisted narcissism, and that you will gladly take their shit.

Au contraire, mon Frere.  I don’t like the smell of burning flesh.  Especially when it’s my own, or other people who don’t have the means to defend themselves. 

And for those of you who want to admonish me to forgive and forget, save your breath.  I’m 38 years old, and understand that it’s good to forgive, and dumb to forget.  To forget repeated wrongs is akin to being a glutton for endless punishment. 

And when it comes down to saving you, and saving myself, well, let’s just say that I’ve changed a bit, and have learned that sometimes it’s best to jump a sinking ship and take the life jacket with me. 

So, let me illustrate my point with a real-world example.

Yesterday, I received a happy belated birthday text from someone who happens to share the same DNA as me.  Our relationship has been a case study on what happens when people with the same genetic material just don’t get along.  Let’s just say that our relationship is strained.  And I’ll leave it at that.

Anyway, she sends this text…which would have been nice if she had just left it at that.  But she had to throw in some extra shit that pushed me over the edge. 

I sent her a one word reply:  “Whatever.”

And then I thought about it (like I always say, when I start thinking, things get dangerous)….and I sent her a second, more colorful text.  Why?  Because I just got fed up with taking her shit year after freakin year. Don’t tell me about disrespect when I look up the word in the dictionary and see your face next to the definition.

And her reply?  “You’ve changed!”

No, silly, you haven’t.  And that’s sad.  You failed to see that your maltreatment of pretty much everyone around you has pissed me off to the highest level of pissivity, that I was waiting for the opportunity to tell you the truth about yourself. 

In other words, you suck, and you’ve sucked for a long time. Yep, and I’m using this opportunity (that you created, nonetheless) to put you in check. 

There’s going to be a lot more of this before it’s all said and done. I got Saturn moving through my 4th house and I’m eliminating any and everything  that isn’t working for me.  Including people who share my DNA who work my last good nerve. No one is exempt anymore.

So search your hearts, and ask yourself…”before I say this to her, or around her, do I run the risk of getting told about myself?” If the answer is yes, don’t say it. Don’t text it.  Don’t let me hear about it.  You’ve been warned.

She’s lucky she wasn’t in my face, because she might have gotten a high-five to her face.

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Parents. They’re Still Wonderful Guides and Teachers, Even When They Don’t Realize That They’re Guiding and Teaching.

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As most of you know, today is my birthday.  But what many of you may not know is that today is also my mother‘s birthday. Yep, I was born on her 22nd birthday. From what I’m told, I kinda made my appearance when she least expected it.  Yeah, that sounds like something I would do.

;-) I’m slick like dat…I’m cool like dat.

But that’s not the reason I’m writing this post tonight. 

I talked to my mother on the telephone earlier this evening to wish her a happy birthday.  Actually I was returning her call to me this morning. I was finishing up my bath when her call came through.  When I told her this, she said that she had just finished her bath when she decided to call me. 

Wow. 

Furthermore, she mentioned that she’s still having problems with swelling and pain in her left knee and may be having knee surgery next month.  Now, before you ask, why is this important, fearless blogger…I’m going to get to that in a moment.

She said something very profound to me that made me thank the good Lord that she was my mother.  She said that she realized that her knee wasn’t going to get any better, that it wasn’t temporary and that she’s willing to seek proper medical attention.   Now, here’s a couple of reasons why this was so striking to me.  I, too, have knee problems…particularly in my left knee. Last August, I went under the knife to repair a pretty bad meniscal tear.   The surgeon told me after the procedure was completed, that I have significant arthritis in this knee and that I would continue to have some pain.  But the pain from the tear has since lessened to the point where I can move around pretty well, so at least the procedure was a success.  But I don’t think I could have waited 20+ years to have this issue addressed.   So in addition to the non-coincidence that we both have problems with our left knee, it reinforced a powerful point:  that sometimes waiting may not give us the payoff that we expected. 

So as GenXers, our parents are good examples of what we should be doing to take care of our health.   One, it’ s important to go to the doctor for annual checkups.  Don’t put them off.  Two, it’s vitally important to know as much about your family health history as you can. That way you may be able to stave off illnesses through preventative health care from a primary care physician.

And three, it’s a blessing to listen to your parents laugh, truly laugh and enjoy themselves.  It’s a reminder to not take myself so damn seriously. To crack up a bottle of wine and enjoy some jazz.  To talk on the telephone with a cherished friend.  To turn the lights down low and just enjoy the darkness.  To make plans to spend the holidays with family.

 I don’t really know how my mother really felt about being pregnant with me and then delivering me on her birthday, but I do know that she’s one of my birthday presents too.   And this, my friends, is as good as it gets. 

So, in what kinds of ways have your parents made an impact on you recently?  If they are deceased, what are the key life lessons they taught you, inadvertently or otherwise, that you carry with you to this day?  Speak your piece.

The Death of Relating, Or Why People Won’t Stay in Their Lane Anymore

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Totem pole

Image via Wikipedia

 

So I went on a Twitter rant earlier today because I reached a breaking point: I’m tired of people telling other people what they have to do when it comes to their relationship choices. 

Effin tired is an understatement…I really am ready to take a baseball bat to the next person who complains like this, and piss in the pools of all you people who think it’s okay to tell women what to do and what they need to resign themselves to accept in life. 

So you’re a beautiful, ambitious woman who has invested a number of years on her career. Now that she’s over 40, you wanna judge her based on limited information? Because you’ve concluded that she needs to get with the program?  It’s her fault that she can’t get a man who will be honest with her? It’s her fault that men juice themselves up, claiming to do and be more than what they really are, a bunch of lazy ass loser types who, despite their perennial loser status, feel that because a woman is over 40, she should be happy with that?  Eff that! 

My short answer: hell to the naw! And shame on you for suggesting, no, demanding otherwise! 

No one likes to be lied to. No one likes to be led down a dark and winding path to nowhere. And some men will cling to lies like poison ivy on a house, sucking the life out of a woman, just because he really has convinced himself that he’s more of a catch that what he really is. 

Stay in your f*cking lane. 

And this applies to women, as well. I’m not discriminating here. All you chickenhead clucking bottom feeders who think that men will put up with your drama and bullsh*t because you’re such a catch? Yeah, right.  Time has a funny way of leveling things out. 

Why don’t you go and find someone just like you and smack each other in the street, create a scene, get it out your system and go home and get it over with? Geez! 

It used to be that people knew and understood their limitations, their boundaries and stayed in their respective lanes. If you were short, you knew that you needed to get someone shorter. If you were fat, you were either faced with two choices to get a mate: you lost weight, or you found another fat person and kept it moving. At least you had something in common: the buffet line. Ugly people knew to get together; goofy people, likewise. 

But nowadays? There is a disturbance in the force that is pervasive and quite troubling. People lower on the evolutionary totem pole feel that they are entitled to the selection on the expensive menu. And damn you, you beautiful, smart, educated, ambitious person, for rejecting a bottom feeder. You must change your standards, and be happy with me and my crooked-tooth, no job, no-life having ass! Because no one else will want you…you should be grateful that I have come to save you from a life of lonely misery. 

Well, I don’t know about you, but I’d rather be alone and miserable than to be constantly reminded that someone is doing me a favor.
I don’t know about you, but all of these people are missing out on true happiness when they’ve allowed their self-delusion to convince themselves to put themselves out there like that in the first place. 

I’m not an ugly woman, by no means. But I’m also very realistic about *myself* and I wouldn’t lay a guilt trip on a man in order to be in a relationship.I wouldn’t lie to him because I have it in my twisted little mind that he needs me.  

 See, the word relationship has at its root the word “relate.” How can you relate to someone if the premise of your relationship is based on two lies: one, that one person had to misrepresent him/herself to another, and two, that the other person accepted the lies out of guilt? I don’t know about you, but there’s no relating going on in that instance. There is, however, a whole lot of delusion. And confusion.  And neither does a relationship make. 

This is how people get hurt. And that’s one of the principal reasons why there are so many hurt people walking around, ready to stick it to the next person, the same way it was stuck to them.  And the ones who aren’t hell bent on revenge are just scared out of their wits.  And the ones who are left?  They’re just waiting for the next best thing. I’m here to tell you. There is no next best thing.  It’s as good as its gonna get.  And the sooner we realize that, the better off we are.  

We average people need to understand that we live in a hierarchy.  To honestly believe that this hierarchy is that fluid is to honestly believe that I have a bridge to Brooklyn for sale.  Because the house lights will come on at some point, and the truth will come out.  And no one likes to be lied to.  

 I’m just sayin’. The madness has got to stop. Everyone is *not* a star; everyone is not that smart; everyone is not that beautiful or handsome; but there is someone for everyone. And if we all were a little bit more practical, more realistic about ourselves, more comfortable with our flaws, and saw the truth about ourselves, instead of asking someone else to buy into our twisted sense of the truth, maybe the world would be a better place, and maybe people wouldn’t be so afraid of putting themselves out there. 

I’m just sayin’. 

Posted with WordPress for BlackBerry. 

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Insomnia sucks, or perhaps I’m just a loser.

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(c) 2010 Mom of Three Photography, all rights reserved.

So, it’s 5:49 a.m. in Jersey City, NJ.  And I’m wide awake.  Worried about this, worried about that, you know, the usual and very important shit.  Money, relationships, my kids, the weather, football season, the fact that I’m way overdue for a manicure, whether or not people are reading my blog and digging my photography, the fact that people are worried about me because I’m not working a respectable job and that they have no idea how I’m going to pay my rent…don’t worry.  I won’t become homeless, forced to resort to begging in front of Starbucks in downtown Jersey City with a cup and a sad, pathetic sign on my back.  I won’t ask to sleep on your couch. 

Not yet.

Anyway, I digress.

Yeah, those things (and others) wake me up in the middle of the night, usually around 3am.  I’ve battled insomnia for years, and I have not been able to win the war.  The only time I can sleep through the night is when I take a sleep aid.  Believe me, I’ve tried them all.   Tylenol, Advil, some prescription stuff that didn’t even work, natural remedies….

Soft music playing in the background?  Doesn’t work.

Warm milk?  Doesn’t work, and it’s not really advisable because I’m lactose intolerant.

Cool temperatures?  Don’t work.

Warm temperatures?  Don’t work.

Warm baths? Don’t work.

Hot showers?  Don’t work.

Total darkness and silence?  Doesn’t work.

I even went in for a sleep study, because my doctor thought maybe I was suffering from sleep apnea.  That was fun.  I spent a perfectly good evening shivering in a sterile, cold ass room, face, back, neck, arms and torso strapped to wires and sensors, feeling very anxious.  See, black women have a thing about being tied up.  It’s a subconscious anxiety that has nothing at all to do with slavery.  Not. At. All.

The tech ordered me to get undressed, and that I would be expected to shut the lights off around 10pm. Well, for me, things are just getting started on or after 10:30, so I was feeling a heightened sense of anxiety.  No phone, no Twitter, no Facebook, no texting?  I had to actually go to sleep?  F*ck.

As I recall, I didn’t get a restful sleep that night.  At the time I was going through it with my allergies, and so the coughing fits began on time, around 1am.  I would cough, and cough, and cough, and to try to manage I would take cough drops.  So I have wires and sensors attached to my face, and they’re tangled up and I can’t move.  I’m cold.  I’m unable to sleep.  And I have four or five cough drops in my mouth. Fabulous.

If I was lucky, I got maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep.  Well, after a night of sleep shenanigans, I was awakened at 5:45 am by Nurse Hatchet.  I had to pee something fierce, but I had to sit on my hands while she disattached all of the wires and sensors from my face, neck, chest and back.  It was longest 15 minutes of my life.  And that pee was the longest and most blissful of my 37 years.  Ahhhhh….

Anyway, after going through that torturous night, I found out that I *didn’t* have sleep apnea.  FML.

So I’m just a chronic insomniac/loser. And it’s now 6am.  Maybe I’ll go watch the sunrise. 

Have you battled insomnia?  What wakes you up at night?  What makes you so anxious that it’s hard for you to get a good night’s sleep?  Tell me about it.

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